About a broken friendship...

A while back a best friend of mine and I parted ways. I wont go in to detail of everything that happened and why it happened and whose fault it is because to be completely honest, I don't hardly even remember how it started or how it got so out of hand. But, I do know that in my anger and frustration I did not handle myself in a Godly manner or how a real friend should. Recently, something has happened to where some of these familiar feelings I had were brought back up. So what I will blog about now is how I had felt, what I feel now and what God has and still is showning me through all of this brokenness. Please note: God is still growing me and I am still learning.

Let me just start off by saying this is a girl who I loved greatly and still do. We grew up together, played softball together, went to school together, were there for every major life event, tragic event and sold lemonade, for crying out loud, as children on the street corner of our neighborhood where we grew up within walking distance of each other. So we go completely way back! She was a piece of my childhood that was everything to me...a best friend that I for sure knew that one day we would be little old ladies sipping hot tea on our retired porch homes reminiscing about days gone by, and how big of nuts we were growing up. She was like a sister to me and I was completely devastated when our friendship kicked the bucket. Needless to say, I did not conduct myself at all in a Godly manner. I did not control my tongue. I had a lot of anger. I had a ton of pride in the way, and there was a ton of hurt and pain I know I caused with my words. To be honest, one minute I couldn't stand the girl, then the next minute I just wanted my bestie back.

I was angry at her. Whatever she did that ticked me off...sent me flying over the roof. "How dare she"..."who does she think she is"...is what I can remember saying. I was also so angry with myself after the fact with trying to figure how I could solve this problem and how I could ultimately fix her since this was her fault and make her understand her fault and failures here. I am a fixer by nature. I want to fix everyone and everything...but my pride gets in the way and can't see that I am the one that needs repair and the fixing lots of times most of the time. Sometimes...I go overboard in trying to fix a problem to the point where I do more damage than good. Pride tends to get in my way lots of times and sometimes in all honesty I can't control my tongue. I  tend to be really blunt and not tactful, and don't choose my words wisely when I am in a heated discussion. In Proverbs it says, "a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Even though it's hard and embarrassing admitting all of that, I am thankful for God's word which lovingly corrects us, rebukes us and then loves us in turn...past our faults, sins, and failures.

When I tell someone that I have a temper that gets the best of me or I deal with the sin of pride...they are totally shocked, because they say I always seem so positive and bubbly. But, we all have things that we deal with...and that God is constantly rebuking us, disciplining us and areas that He so desperately wants us to grow in the likeness of His Son.

Any who, I have asked for this friends forgiveness through an email a while back. Never heard anything back. Also, I have reached out on several occasions and no response. It has hurt me, but I know I have hurt her far worse and she is not ready to forgive or probably never will and that totally bothered me and still bothers me. Like I said before....I am a fixer. I want to fix things. I want to fix this broken peace between us. I want to somehow make her forgive me. I want to restore it and make it new. But truth is, I really have no control over that. I have wasted immense amount of energy thinking of ways to restore this friendship or cause peace among us. I have wracked my own brain beating myself up saying, "if only I could of done that, or said this, or tried that then maybe our friendship wouldn't be where it is today." I really just need to move past that...and forgive myself and stop the beating up, because I am human....we make mistakes. Praise God in my imperfectness He is perfect.

So through this all God has shown me and teaching me a couple things. One, that I need to completely surrender this at the foot of His cross. Let Him be Lord over this. I in my own power, will not resolve this issue or brokenness. All I can do is pray for her, pray and forgive myself and then pray that even if peace will not be granted amongst us...that God will give me a peace in my heart over this. On my facebook page as my main cover there is a verse listed that says, "He has made everything beautiful in it's time." - Ecc 3:11 ( I am standing on this promise today, that in His time...He will take this brokenness and make it beautiful).  Secondly, God has shown me my areas of great weakness. The areas and sin of pride, controlling my anger and tongue, and by the Holy Spirits power of work within me He is weeding out those areas of my life and I just know little by little He is molding me into the woman, friend and example He has called me to be.

So today, I am turning all of this over to God. I can not carry it any longer nor will I carry it any more. I pray and trust that God will restore peace between us. I know that I have sinned against my neighbor...in my anger, and with my words. I have confessed that to Christ and I thank Him for His word which says, "if we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us." -1 John 1:9. Even if she has not forgiven me (which I can totally understand)...I know my heavenly Father has and that is the one true peace that I know I can rest so deeply in.

Ending thoughts...I am learning and growing from this experience and even though we are not friends any longer at this point, I still have our memories to cherish and hopefully this story will be useful in helping others going through similar things. I pray God uses the areas of weakness in my life to reach others for good and His glory.

Ephesians 4: 31-32 "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."