I reflect...
With my son I read, studied, watched, documented and prepared myself in so many ways to have a natural, unmedicated, and vaginal delivery. It seriously consumed me. I ate, breathed, and slept all of it! I was petrified and scared out of my mind when I saw a documentary just months before my delivery on epidurals, inductions and c-sections, so that was out of the loop for me! I did not want neither of them and was completely against it...and as far as I was concerned was not going to happen to me what so ever! It was not apart of this birth plan I had dreamed and envisioned. I had watched birth after birth on youtube, was glued to documentaries on c-sections, and studied different pain management techniques. I was going to have this prefect vaginal and unmedicated delivery...and no one was going to intervene or take that away from me. All in all...I had gained this amazing appreciation and love for birthing. As rough, raw, intense and real as it was...it was beautiful to me and I could not wait to experience it all with my son.
The plan...
Well...things did not go according to my birth plan. My blood pressure kept elevating towards the end of my pregnancy, but my doctor was hopeful and took precautionary measures for me as much as he could because he knew what my heart and my desires were. When I went in a couple days after my due date for my check up they found protein in my urine, and a huge spike in my blood pressure. So my doctor wanted to induce me that day. He informed me that getting the baby out is the only thing that will prevent a woman who has pre-eclampsia from going into eclampsia which can cause some huge tragedies...which I already knew from previous studying. I was saddened, and afraid because I knew that this put me at a higher risk for a c-section, and also put me in a place where I would probably more than likely need some type of pain relief other than the natural techniques I had studied and practiced because of how strong contractions are with synthetic drugs that are used to jump start labor, ie. pitocin. I was crushed, but I was hopeful. So I got induced later that evening. Then my water was broken the next morning. Hours later I could not take any more back labor so I opted for the epidural...one of the things that I was completely against. Nevertheless...I was pain free and could rest.
Many hours later, I had not progressed much at all. I was stuck at so many centimeters dilated. My doctor was trying to remain hopeful for me and kept saying let's wait...and would give me a couple more hours. Then after the hours passed...John's heart rate kept dropping, and the fact my water had been broken for over 14 hours already he wanted to proceed with the c-section because the risk of infection to the womb was greatly high. I was prepped and headed to the operating room for my first major surgery ever. I honestly did not think a thing of it at the time...I had already been through so much that day and day before that I was just wanted this over and my little man here.
When I finally got to hold him for the first time in recovery... it felt like at that moment everything I went through to get him in my arms was all trivial. Here I was holding a perfectly healthy and beautifully fashioned and formed miracle from our great God. What else more could anyone ask of?
Well, flash forward to a few days later when we brought John home from the hospital. Baby blues and a little bit of post-partum depression kicked in. It was the scariest thing ever for me. Looking back on it...I would go through a thousand c-sections, a million epidurals and endless amounts of contractions and inductions again to never have to go through those first few weeks home with him the way I did. I was so numb...I was emotionally distraught...and I felt like I could not bond with my son. I knew I loved him, but I found it hard to bond with him. I felt like there was just a zero connection between us, and I blamed all of this on my c-section. I felt like the way I delivered him had failed him. It wasn't natural. It wasn't the way God intended for a woman to birth. I felt like I had been cheated out of a natural delivery. What's even worse was that I knew my feelings and thoughts were ridiculous but, I was in a dark place that I couldn't come out from. This should of been such a joyful time...but somehow I found myself so down and gloomy and so distraught over John's birth.
You know society has painted this stupid, ridiculous and fabricated picture of c-sections. It's almost looked as if you have a c-section...your not a real mom, you didn't really give birth, your body is broke, you were guilt tripped into doing this unnatural thing for your child by a doctor, your a failure, you were "too posh to push" and the list goes on...or at least these are the lies I had believed and I know so many other mothers personally have believed. I know that not all c-sections that are performed are because of the best interest of the mother or child, or because it was even medically necessary. But, why do people have to be on such a power kick about them...why can't we just be excited that a beautiful baby was born into this world?
God's plan...
A few months after I had John...God really began to deal with me severely on this issue. Many times in the depths of my thoughts, gloom and sadness...His voice would resonate through my heart and mind the scripture found in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you...". Oh, how marvelous are His plans?! John's birth was a part of His plan. It was His plan. His birth was nothing more than a miracle act from God. Every baby conceived is a miracle from God. If we believe that...then who sold us section mothers into thinking the way our little ones are birthed or get here into our arms is not a miracle or is not right? This is one band wagon of motherhood that I will no longer allow myself to get wrapped up in. Who are we to say...this way a mother birthed waš not the right way or this mother's way was the only way it should be? If we are followers of Christ then we must believe that..."all things work together for good" - Romans 8:28.
A place of peace...
While having much time to pray, reflect and heal I have finally come to a place where I am at peace with my son's delivery. When I look at him...I get so lost in his beautiful smile, his radiating eyes, his curious personality, and his zest, hunger and strong-willedness for life that I feel he already has at 11 months old. This little life has rocked every inch of my world and being. He has taught me so much about life, friendship, faith, trust and love in such a sweet short amount of time and with no words said. He is truly an angel and it makes everything we went through together to be celebrated.
My thoughts now on my c-section...
I now give praise to God for medical technology and for the advancements in modern medicine! For without it I could of been like so many mothers thousands of years ago that didn't quite make it and neither did their baby. If only they had the opportunity in medical advancements to have had a c-section then they could of lived to see what I see everyday in my sweet spirited son. As for the baby blues and post-partum...it is nothing new under the sun. After reaching out to my doctor, and several mothers in the natural, medicated, home birthing, vbac (vaginal birth after Cesarean), and c-section communities and listening to their stories on struggling with baby blues and PPD...that sometimes that is just what mothers go through after labor and delivery and has nothing to do with how you deliver. Now when I look at my scar its no longer just a scar in my flesh that I did not want...but a "battle scar" , that I truly embrace and honored to have. When I see it I am reminded of how strong I was that day for my son and how much I am so thankful that I had such an awesome supportive doctor who walked me through ever step, and a hubby who was proud to be in that operating room cheering me on. Its another mark of motherhood, and another badge of honor that I get to so proudly wear along with the stretch marks, sagging skin, and varicose veins. For its what brought life into this world. Something I will be so ever grateful for.
Looking forward...
As I approach labor and delivery with our Natalie Joy...I'm growing more and more eager and excited to see her, hold her and to see Gods plan up close and personal of how He chooses to bring her into this world. Even though my doctor is 100% pro-vbac (vaginal birth after cesarean) and is going to allow for me to try for a vbac I am completely at peace if it were to not work out and I have to undergo another section. This time I am ready for whatever Gods plans are for me and her because He had them planned in advance and I have just got to trust in that. I've come to learn that it's not how you brought your little one into this world...its what you did with their little lives once their here.
So I am hopeful and trusting the Lord that if it be in His will He will grant my request of vbac. But, it does not consume me like birth planning did with John and it is not my top priority when I go into labor. I just at the end of it all want to be holding my sweet baby girl, as healthy and safe as she can be and for those first few weeks at home be a healthy one. A time of bonding and a time of pure joy for me and my family. This is my greatest desire and prayer.
Ending thoughts...
Be encouraged that God already has your birth story and delivery planned out. This in itself is so freeing to know. The God that creates has you and your little one in the palm of His hand. He knows our desires, but He also knows what's best. Trust in that, and remember it doesn't matter how they get here in this world...as long as they get here healthy and and safely in our arms. I pray this post finds you well.
Thank you for taking the time to read my heart.
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