About a broken friendship...

A while back a best friend of mine and I parted ways. I wont go in to detail of everything that happened and why it happened and whose fault it is because to be completely honest, I don't hardly even remember how it started or how it got so out of hand. But, I do know that in my anger and frustration I did not handle myself in a Godly manner or how a real friend should. Recently, something has happened to where some of these familiar feelings I had were brought back up. So what I will blog about now is how I had felt, what I feel now and what God has and still is showning me through all of this brokenness. Please note: God is still growing me and I am still learning.

Let me just start off by saying this is a girl who I loved greatly and still do. We grew up together, played softball together, went to school together, were there for every major life event, tragic event and sold lemonade, for crying out loud, as children on the street corner of our neighborhood where we grew up within walking distance of each other. So we go completely way back! She was a piece of my childhood that was everything to me...a best friend that I for sure knew that one day we would be little old ladies sipping hot tea on our retired porch homes reminiscing about days gone by, and how big of nuts we were growing up. She was like a sister to me and I was completely devastated when our friendship kicked the bucket. Needless to say, I did not conduct myself at all in a Godly manner. I did not control my tongue. I had a lot of anger. I had a ton of pride in the way, and there was a ton of hurt and pain I know I caused with my words. To be honest, one minute I couldn't stand the girl, then the next minute I just wanted my bestie back.

I was angry at her. Whatever she did that ticked me off...sent me flying over the roof. "How dare she"..."who does she think she is"...is what I can remember saying. I was also so angry with myself after the fact with trying to figure how I could solve this problem and how I could ultimately fix her since this was her fault and make her understand her fault and failures here. I am a fixer by nature. I want to fix everyone and everything...but my pride gets in the way and can't see that I am the one that needs repair and the fixing lots of times most of the time. Sometimes...I go overboard in trying to fix a problem to the point where I do more damage than good. Pride tends to get in my way lots of times and sometimes in all honesty I can't control my tongue. I  tend to be really blunt and not tactful, and don't choose my words wisely when I am in a heated discussion. In Proverbs it says, "a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Even though it's hard and embarrassing admitting all of that, I am thankful for God's word which lovingly corrects us, rebukes us and then loves us in turn...past our faults, sins, and failures.

When I tell someone that I have a temper that gets the best of me or I deal with the sin of pride...they are totally shocked, because they say I always seem so positive and bubbly. But, we all have things that we deal with...and that God is constantly rebuking us, disciplining us and areas that He so desperately wants us to grow in the likeness of His Son.

Any who, I have asked for this friends forgiveness through an email a while back. Never heard anything back. Also, I have reached out on several occasions and no response. It has hurt me, but I know I have hurt her far worse and she is not ready to forgive or probably never will and that totally bothered me and still bothers me. Like I said before....I am a fixer. I want to fix things. I want to fix this broken peace between us. I want to somehow make her forgive me. I want to restore it and make it new. But truth is, I really have no control over that. I have wasted immense amount of energy thinking of ways to restore this friendship or cause peace among us. I have wracked my own brain beating myself up saying, "if only I could of done that, or said this, or tried that then maybe our friendship wouldn't be where it is today." I really just need to move past that...and forgive myself and stop the beating up, because I am human....we make mistakes. Praise God in my imperfectness He is perfect.

So through this all God has shown me and teaching me a couple things. One, that I need to completely surrender this at the foot of His cross. Let Him be Lord over this. I in my own power, will not resolve this issue or brokenness. All I can do is pray for her, pray and forgive myself and then pray that even if peace will not be granted amongst us...that God will give me a peace in my heart over this. On my facebook page as my main cover there is a verse listed that says, "He has made everything beautiful in it's time." - Ecc 3:11 ( I am standing on this promise today, that in His time...He will take this brokenness and make it beautiful).  Secondly, God has shown me my areas of great weakness. The areas and sin of pride, controlling my anger and tongue, and by the Holy Spirits power of work within me He is weeding out those areas of my life and I just know little by little He is molding me into the woman, friend and example He has called me to be.

So today, I am turning all of this over to God. I can not carry it any longer nor will I carry it any more. I pray and trust that God will restore peace between us. I know that I have sinned against my neighbor...in my anger, and with my words. I have confessed that to Christ and I thank Him for His word which says, "if we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us." -1 John 1:9. Even if she has not forgiven me (which I can totally understand)...I know my heavenly Father has and that is the one true peace that I know I can rest so deeply in.

Ending thoughts...I am learning and growing from this experience and even though we are not friends any longer at this point, I still have our memories to cherish and hopefully this story will be useful in helping others going through similar things. I pray God uses the areas of weakness in my life to reach others for good and His glory.

Ephesians 4: 31-32 "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

Going out with a BANG!

So my 2 week notice is coming to an end. This Saturday is my last day of work! My mother told me this past week jokingly, "make sure you go out with a bang!" Oh boy...what God had in store I never could of fathomed. 

Last night at work, I  had my co- worker/cube mate come up to me before she left for the day (since this will be my last time working with her) and told me something that just made my heart so overjoyed. She told me that she wanted me to leave this place knowing that my relationship with Christ, my testimony and my witness is what sent her into the arms of accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior a while back. She went on to say the first time she came onto our team she had so many doubts about Jesus...so many hangups about God...thought that she needed to be perfect first before she needed to be forgiven and accepted by God, but she was really searching....and that "sitting next to this bible thumping southern hill billy from Charlotte was no accident in the process of it all." lol. 

This is the one thing I have prayed and doubted so much in my life is that are people seeing Jesus' light reflected in me, and am I being a good witness for Christ? I have always questioned myself...am I being too Godly...what if I'm too forward about my walk with God...what if I turn people away from being too overly zealous about Christ, and wondered if His light was even reflecting at times. She went on to tell me that I was apart of her testimony and when she shares about how she came to the truth of the Gospel she tells people about how my life in Jesus changed hers! Wow. God. Wow! If working at this place for the last 5 years was just so our paths could cross and Christ be glorified and made known then it was so much worth it and more!

So something I have learned is that I should never doubt the conversations...the talks...the walk that I display in front of others. It speaks volumes and it plants huge seeds to those who are struggling to believe in Christ and those that are right there on the verge of either walking away or accepting the Gospel as truth. Hallelujah! I am giving God all the glory and honor and praise...that there is one more saint in the kingdom and that I was simply just a vessel. 

What an awesome way to leave a place knowing you left a legacy of Christ! Talk about going out with a BANG mom! :)

2 weeks notice

So the hubby and I are stepping out on extreme faith. Yesterday, I put my 2 week notice in at my banking job at Wells Fargo. God has called me home to raise John full time, which being a Stay at Home Mom...is something that years ago was not even in my vocabulary, but since becoming a mother it has been such a burning desire within me.We were however just waiting for some sort of financial stability.

That's when God spoke and said, "I'm your stability!"

So here's the thing...when we put all this down on paper financially it doesn't make a bit of sense. But, nonetheless here we are....listening to His voice which still speaks today and stepping out on one of the biggest acts of faith we have both ever stepped out on---splitting our income significantly in half!

Moreover, we know God is our ultimate provider. He supplies our every need...not our wants...but we can be rest assured that He WILL supply our every need. So I will end on saying...the beauty of this all is that we are trusting our current unknown situation and our future in a constant known God. This reality I will admit is still scary...nevertheless...it is unequivocally liberating.

Baby Nevaeh

I am so in love with this picture. It is beautifully breathtaking. This picture was released on ABC a day or two ago. It shows a Dr. performing a c-section on a mother and when he went into to break her water the little baby by the name of "Nevaeh" grips onto his finger. Now for any mother this is a complete tear jerker showing the first few moments of birth, but for the mother that has had a c-section it is way more than that.....

because it really hits home.

You know the media and the society in general has painted c-sections not in a good light. It has made mothers feel as if they have failed in some sort of way to fall short of anything other than how a birth was originally designed. It also has scared mothers so desperately into the thought process of, "I have failed my baby", if they do have to undergo one. I know I for one fell victim to this mentally for a short while after having my son by a c-section this past July. I felt like I brought him into this world in a innatural way and I totally failed him right off the bat.

But this picture speaks just opposite. This picture paints a c-section in such a glorious light. PRAISE GOD...for moments that are captured like these because it clearly shows that it makes no difference how our little ones get here in this world....just that they get here into our arms safely. This is such a special moment for those two parents and especially the mother. Maybe she also has had expressed feelings of self doubt or failure, but I can only imagine what she may be thinking now after seeing this picture. I know she will cherish this for the rest of her life....just seeing her little one reach out for the first time into life. What a special thing to witness. What a remarkable little girl already. Plus I like to think little Navaeh is saying either "Alright Doc...let's do this." or "Well hello there...nice to meet you."

So I thank little Navaeh for her precious little grasp...but most of all I thank Jesus for creating something so sweet and bringing such joy with this moment to the world.

Finally got my first big break!

Growing up I always wanted to be a world famous actress, but mainly a singer. I have always had a huge passion for music! I got my inspiration from watching musicals like The Sound of Music, Mary Poppins, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I was completely obsessed with them...to the point where I would act out every single line and prance around our house pretending I was Maria, Mary or Truly Scrumptious. I just thought I had this killer voice and someone was going to find me one day! I was going make it big in Hollywood, be discovered, become famous and get my first big break!

So to start out...I begged my mother to put me in the Charlotte Children's Choir around the age of 9. It was a place where I could funnel the inner singer in me. In youth plays at church... I made sure I was the main actress and I definitely made sure that I had the main solo part. I watched Star Search every Saturday morning when I was growing up to scout out my competition and as time went on...when my discovery as a singer was looking slim to none...I dreamed of trying  out for American Idol. I truly believed I could actually make it big doing that!

So as the years went on I eventually sang in the church choir and on praise teams here and there...but I began to wonder why I would never get the lead solo parts and why I wasn't being discovered. Well...truth is...I sounded OK as a back up singer, and I can actually carry a tune....but all in all...I ain't no Sandy Patty, that's for sure!

So why did God give me such a passion for music? Why did God give me a love for singing if I am not that good like I had always thought? 

and then....it all made since to me the other night.

My fussy little boy was growing so anxious and would not go to sleep. I tried everything and nothing would soothe him. As I was becoming increasingly impatient, and anxious myself I sat down in his little wooden rocker in the nursery in the pitch black dark and just started to belt out the words to him of the song, "Silent Night". I had tried everything else so I figured let me just go this route. So there I was...singing, and rocking. About half way through the second verse of the song I realized I myself was somewhat calm and soothed, and I was lost so beautifully in the words. I then happened to 1ook down and my precious little one was in fact sleeping in heavenly peace. That's when I felt the Lord telling me....this is why I gave you a tune and a passion to sing. To soothe your child.

I just smiled in that quiet dark room with my little one snoring so sweetly and cuddled up against my chest. Even though I may not have the voice of Sandy Patty or Julie Andrews...it was peaceful enough to calm his anxious spirit and to soothe him right to sleep.

So needless to say...I finally got what I had wanted all these years.
I got my first big break....I have been discovered :)

Thanks Lord.

Co-sleeping...Yes please!

When mothers or people in general ask me, "so what is John's nightly sleep routine?"  I always reply shyly and embarrassingly with..."he co-sleeps with us". From there I pretty much get silence or weird looks. Dont get me wrong...I thought that co-sleeping was a strange practice when I first heard of it years ago, but mothers and parents in general have strong convictions of how we want to personally raise our children...and Nick and I believe firmly in bed-sharing and co-sleeping. We have a family bed...and I am no longer going to be shy or embarrassed about that. Why should I be? It's what we believe and how we want to raise John and hopefully our future children.

I don't know if you are familiar with Doctor Sears? He is a wonderful Christian Pediatrician.  He and his wife have 8 children and they have all co-slept with their children. He has written many books and  wonderful articles on attachment parenting, co-sleeping and bonding. When I read his article, it was so encouraging and comforting to know that we are not the only ones who believe so strongly in this. You can check out his article on the scientific benefits of co-sleeping and how to co-sleep SAFELY on his website www.askdrsears.com. Definitely check it out...his research on co-sleeping and attachment parenting is amazing...how co-sleeping actually encourages so many positive behaviors in children and into their adult life.

So does John ever sleep in his crib? Well...yes....he does take naps throughout the day in his crib...but when bed time calls he gets in bed with us. I have had mothers tell me...."what if you roll over on top of him"  and the infamous, "you know that increases SIDS?" Although, I appreciate their concern, I am not willing to submit to their scare tactics. I have even had family members that disagree with us..."oh, he is going to be spoiled", "he will never sleep in his own bed now", "what about your sex life?" Well personally, I have never met a 16 year old boy that still sleeps in bed with his parents and our sex life is just that....OUR SEX LIFE. lol.  Sorry, to sound so harsh. But, why does everyone feel the need to give their two cents on how you should raise your children? Like I said before..you have to do what is right for YOU and your family. I believe if you pray for discernment and guidance on any issue in raising your children...God will point you in the right direction!

 Co-Sleeping is, "nothing new under the sun". Parents all over the world and in other countries have been practicing co-sleeping/family bed-sharing for thousands upon thousands of years! There are also two places in the Bible where it actually references co-sleeping...one in a positive light and one in a negative one....Luke 11:7, and 1 Kings 3:17-19. The second one, being the negative, is a story of a woman rolling over on top of her infant and causing death....(which I have also gotten this response from some of my friends hence above statements)...but the first one is in reference to family bed-sharing, which displays co-sleeping in a positive light. So biblically speaking their are both good and bad references to co-sleeping.

I love our family bed and co-sleeping with John.. Especially when in the middle of the night I open my eyes and can see my two precious men next to me sleeping so soundly. To hear their little snores and Johns faint cries next to me brings me great joy. When Nick gets up in the morning for work he is greeted by John and I as I am feeding him. Nick enjoys waking up to us and having a family morning. It truly does open up so much bonding for us both with John and I love it!  Of course we will transition John to his bed in the future, but, for now...we love it....we believe in it and it brings us great joy. So I'm gonna not be shy or embarrassed about John sleeping with us and I'm just gonna let people give their two cents about the issue and let it roll off my shoulders. I am sure along the path of raising John and our other future children we will have many instances of where our raising them might be differently than what some other parents do...and that is OK because it is right for us!

One of a Solider....

This week is exactly 9 years ago that I waved goodbye to ole Charlotte at 18 years old...loaded up on a bus with $20 bucks to my name, a toothbrush, 1 change of clothes and started my journey as a Veteran...and a Solider of the United States Air Force. I still can't believe it today. Seriously....Corey did that?! Sometimes...when I am somewhere today and someone says "if you are a U.S Veteran please rise or please stand up", or whatever the occasion calls for, I am still in shock sometimes that I am one of the ones that are standing. I am a Veteran....once a solider. Wow....craziness!
Looking back on it now...I can't believe I did that. I left home so young....I thought I was invisible... indestructible....ready to take on the world. It amazes me now to think that if I was that same girl today...18 years old I don't think I could just go and do what I did. I was so brave....fearless...bold then. I had so much courage...I was stationed over in a different country for a whole year...with no phone...no car...no internet access. Knew zero persons. Boarded a plane...flew 14 hours...flew over Mt. Fiji to get to my destination....ask me to do that today and I don't think I could. It's crazy how your desires...views...wants...passions and just life changes you in general over time.

So since that day....much has happened in my life. I have ALMOST obtained a college degree. I have married such a special man...and became a wife. I am a proud home owner and a dog owner for the first time. I became a rededicated believer in Christ...and I have also became a mother to the most sweet spirited boy ever. God has truly blessed me way beyond my comprehension. I have so much to be thankful for...and shame on me for ever doubting His plans for me or ever coveting another persons life or blessings. I am alive and well....and...my husband, my son and family members are alive and well. What more could one ask for?

It's sort of funny to me when I think about it...what started out as me being a solider in the Air Force has now turned into being a solider in my husbands army...a solider in the army of motherhood...and a solider for Christ. My life is pretty much a battlefield...when I think about it. How much strength God has given me through tough times... when I felt like giving up or giving in. During darkest hours...I have had to rise up like a Solider in whatever the situation or circumstance has called for...only by God's strength have I prevailed and won those battles...of course I have had my fair share of loosing some...but we never really loose battles when God is our victory.

So 9 years ago this week I remember and reflect and think about all the areas of my life that God has called me to be a solider.  I also pause and just take in everything God has done and blessed me with in those 9 years since raising my right hand and taking that Oath of Enlistment. What an amazing journey I have had so far...one of a solider.