A Heartbreaking Loss...and God's Hope.

I just learned some pretty devastating news from a dear friend a couple days ago. She gave birth to her precious little boy at 29 weeks and eventually lost him 10 days later.

I had no idea.

I had not spoken with her in a few months due to the busyness of summer, and just life in general. She was really heavy on my mind...so I emailed her to check and see how her pregnancy was going and when her expectant due date was again. I was going to ask her where she was registered, what name they choose, how far along they were in the nursery, when her shower was and if they found out the gender yet. I was really excited for her because this was her first baby and I just knew since she was such a beautiful friend and person that she was going to be an even more beautiful mother.  But, before I could even finish reading the opening lines to the email she replied with my heart sank. As I read the words..."Well...I have some sad news..." I did not want to read any further. I knew what she was going to say next because I have once replied with those same empty words.

As I typed my reply back through tears my heart became so heavy. Even as I type now my heart is still heavy for my dear friend and her sweet little boy. What has broken my heart even more is that through all of this she has questioned her faith in God and is now in the process of trying to recover that faith.

I can relate to this completely for I am no stranger to questioning one's faith, to second guessing who God is, His will, His ways, and His truth. I have been there and it is a place I hope to never go again. It is such an empty, lonely feeling when you feel like the one true source of comfort, truth and hope has turned His back on you and is nowhere to be felt or found. It is devastating on so many levels. It is ultimately more trying and painful to walk around pretending that you believe God is good, and excited about being His child and who He is when deep inside you are one big confused, lonely, saddened, and afraid person who questions all of who He is.

As I started to write back to my friend I had no idea what to type. I wanted to reach through the computer and just wrap my arms around her. I wanted to tell her anything else uplifting and encouraging instead of uplifting God and encouraging her with His truth because I was afraid she would be turned off by it and reject it since at this point she is questioning her faith in Him.

But, ultimately I couldn't.

God has been way to good, too faithful, too loving, too giving, too forgiving, and too promising for me not to share just how good and faithful He has been and what He has done through me. Through my losses and pain.

So I wrote back to my friend and shared with her what I went through. Before I go any further...just want to add that In sharing through this blog post the email that I wrote to her I pray that any mother out there that may be going through or have gone through any type of pregnancy loss, still born birth, child loss or miscarriage that this will minister, uplift and be of some encouragement to you. I also want to bring God glory as it is His glory that is due.

So this is pretty much what I wrote back to my friend:

Oh my Ana!! That is so heartbreaking and devastating. I don't 100% know the pain and heartache you went through or continue to go through because I have never lost a child that far along, but I do know about loss, testing of ones faith, questioning God and hope. You may not know, but I had several miscarriages before we got pregnant with my first. They were back to back miscarriages and one was actually twins. I was about 10 weeks with the twins, and the first miscarriage was around 6 weeks. I still saw a heartbeat, and even though their little bodies were not fully developed I trusted and knew that God was still forming them. They had life... and then they were ripped apart from one of the most sacred places on this earth...a mother's womb. My womb. I questioned my faith in God, His will, who He was...why He would give life and then take it away, and then when we finally got pregnant month's later with my son John that whole pregnancy was one big faith test. I was a mess up until the day I delivered him...I was so afraid I was going to loose him. 

But, I learned so much looking back on it. I learned that, "God is the author and giver of life" 1 John 1:2...in His word it says "He gives and takes away...blessed be the name of the Lord." - Job 1:21. "He fashions and forms us in our mother's womb" Psalm 139:13. Ultimately we live in a fallen world, it is broken and nothing is perfect. We can however have reassurance though that, "He works together all things for our good...and that He knows the plans for us...and they are plans to not harm us, but to give us hope and a future."  Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11. For whatever reason...the Lord knew I could handle a loss. He doesn't give us nothing more than we can handle. It ultimately brought Him glory. 

Through my journey of loss I have reached other women and have comforted them in their distress, grief, heartache and pain. It stinks that it had to be my little ones that brought about such healing to other women, but this life is not about us...it is about serving, loving, giving ourselves away and being the hands and feet of Jesus. It wasn't until a few weeks after John's birth as I was going over through some paperwork from previous doctors visits I had kept with the twins and John's hospital bills that I noticed that the day I miscarried the twins was July 17th, 2011....the day I gave birth to John was July 17th 2012. It was exactly to the day a year later that the Lord gave us back what was taken from us. You see Ana...His ways are not our ways...we can not fathom the depths, the richness and the wonders of His love. He never said this life would be easy...but that only following and loving Him would be worth it. He is an awesome God...and His mercies endure forever! He never leaves us nor forsakes us...and always gives us back ten fold because He loves us. We just have to trust Him. There is no doubt...God has a plan for you through all of this hurt, and through your loss. Just trust Him. 

This pregnancy with Natalie has been a lot easier on me, because I have learned that my daughters life is truly in the hands of God. Life is His...He creates, He takes away, but He is steadfast and true and promises that His ways are good. That he will give us hope and a future. We have to trust in that. 

There is no doubt that our little ones are laying so perfectly peaceful in His arms as I type and one day we will be reunited with them. I am praying for you girl. I love you bunches and my heart aches as I type this for you because losing your own flesh and blood is never easy...no matter how old or far along they are. It still hurts, the pain is still real. It will take time to heal, but just trust in Jesus for the healing. 

I am always here for you girl. Always! I love you chick.

As I finished typing out that email to her...I was so overwhelmed with Gods love. To see His faithfulness written out, lived out, and to this day 2 1/2 years later using my losses and pain to again comfort another and to bring about His glory brings me great joy to serve and love such an awesome God and Savior. Little did I know what I went through then would one day have such significant purpose and play such apart in peoples lives. Thank you God for showing me your love, your goodness, mercy, and blessing me and Nick when I know I personally don't deserve such great of blessings. You are truly a God of such beautiful wonder.

In closing this post...I just want to say that if you find yourself in a situation like my dear, sweet friend Ana...just please never give up hoping, praying, serving, loving, and trusting in such a faithful God. Jesus is truly faithful and the only God of hope.

and....if you could please keep my friend uplifted in prayer. Stand in the gap for her and intercede on her behalf that God's love will just overwhelm her and that she will experience joy, His goodness and His unfailing love in a new way. A way like never before.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.


Blessings,

Corey T.